Orange fans
aren't all that bad. They just need a couple of reminders when they are
trying to fit into society and not surrounded by others like them at their
football games.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- Unlike clothes
and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- While ears
need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use
of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and
grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
- Plucking
unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
- When decanting
wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not
to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from
the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
- Remember
to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home
costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR
HOME
- A centerpiece
for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow
the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
- Be considerate
of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs
are located on the sofa.
- If your
dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them
alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the
Family)
- Always offer
to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- No matter
how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from
a cemetery.
- Be aggressive.
Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with
you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish
with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00.
Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- If a girl's
name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an
overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Even if
you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies
should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie
has ended.
- Refrain
from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't
hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock
usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay
to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing,
never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing
the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal
veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven
fly deterrent.
- For the
groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say
yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your
headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the
deer is in sight.
- When approaching
a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right
of way.
- Never tow
another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending
your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to
bring back beer.
- Never relieve
yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove
the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay
rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Never take
a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify
people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say
"Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It's considered
tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if
you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky
to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially
refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other
people are around.
- If you have
to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- Always provide
an alibi to the police for family members.
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